Talomir Tales: Snotz the Goblin

Once upon a time there was a goblin named Snotz. He was an eager little fellow and wanted to make a name for himself. He strolled into a run down tavern looking for work one day.

"Tender! You got any work, eh pig face?"

"Hmmm, wot?" The bartender peered down at the little goblin. "Oh, yer can look on dat board over yonder. Any ub dem jobs is on dere." He drooled as he munched a piece of mutton.



Making a disgusted face in thanks, Snotz strode over to the board. Yes, here's one! It was a human merchant that needed escorted through the Black Woods he said in his head. Sounds easy enough.

The next day dawned.

"Where is that human!" Snotz whined. "Ah, here he comes."

"Well hey there" said the merchant. "Ho, a goblin! Cute little bugger, ain't ya?"

Snotz grimaced. "Let's just get on our way, human!" So they set off into the forest. It was a very dangerous passage and if you weren't robbed outright, you might be eaten by a troll or taken prisoner by an ogre and forced to trim his back hair.

Suddenly, three goblins appeared. "Well boys, if it ain't Shitz! Why don't you drop your coin purse and turn back now before things get a little more ugly...Uglier than your face!"

"That's Snotz!" he shouted. "Prepare to face my wrath!"

The female goblin giggled. "Then it's death for you!"

Snotz had a surprise for them though, he conjured up a fireball and threw it right in the center of the would be cut purses. The smell of burning goblin flesh permeated the air and Snotz laughed as the two goblins were singed and the third turned tail and ran.

"You're full of surprises, master Snotz." The human gulped.

"Yes, well. Didn't know I had it in me, really. Let's continue on!"

Creeping ever so deeper into the forest, there came a sound. Snotz stopped short, straining to hear. "What the heck is that?"

"Sounds like a troll eating a cow!" screamed the human in panic.

"Shush! Here it comes!"

Two orcs sauntered out of the woods. "Hey Mutton, yer take a look at these two!"

Mutton chewed on a piece of mutton and snorted. Not much of a talker.

"Let us through! I'm a wizard you know?"

"It's true! I saws him throw a fireball at some gobbos!" the human agreed.

The orc leader, none too smart, looked around uneasily. "You look like a runt to me but me and Mutton was just passing through. We ain't want any trouble."

"I see. Well" Snotz nodded his head towards the one called Mutton "you looking to be hired?"

Mutton stopped chewing for a moment to let out a foul smelling belch and then nodded.

"Good...I guess. Just don't slobber on me and no eating the human! He's with me." They continued onward leaving the other orc behind.

Finally they arrived at the village, the merchant's destination.

"Orc raid! Run for your lives! He's got a prisoner!" an alarmed citizen screamed sighting the goblin and orc.

"Ahh, home sweet home. Thanks very much Snotz. Much appreciated." The human handed over a bag of coins.

Snotz grinned a sharp toothed grin. Looking over at his companion, he slipped a few gold coins in his tunic careful to avoid being drooled on. "A job well done, Mutton. I think we will get along nicely." Mutton just chewed away contentedly.